Richard S.
I received a call this past week from Bill H., a very good recov-ery friend, informing me that Randy R. had passed away. Sadly, it was by his own hand.
His struggle with addictions had finally become too much and he chose not to continue to work recovery. Obviously, his choice about recovery was made long before he took his own life.
I’m not criticizing him; instead, I am remembering the times that he and I had together. We weren’t really close friends but we had the type of friendship that is devel-oped through recovery. I learned so much from Randy, but I’m not certain he ever really understood that, or even accepted it.
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful when we don’t work the program of recovery. I can easily relate to the selfish act that Randy initiated. I remember walking down East Washington Street and thinking that I could just step into the traffic that was whizzing by and end it all. But I didn’t have the will power to do it. I was struggling with a real sense of helplessness and hopelessness at the time as I thought about some of the really dumb situa-tions I had put myself into. And this was even before I became lost in the addiction that would change my life forever.
Randy had a wonderful way of sharing his struggles with addiction. He just spoke what was in his heart in a calm and simple manner.
He had returned to prison after getting lost, once again, in his struggle with drug addiction. It was perhaps a year ago that I was sitting and waiting for the Sunday Morning Men’s Meeting to start when Randy walked through the door shortly after his release. I remember the emotion that welled up in me as I immediately smiled, stood up and gave him a big hug. My eyes were filled with tears of joy at seeing my friend, once again. It was the last time I would see Randy.
My time in recovery has given me the opportunity to meet many people and to learn as they shared their struggles and successes with addic-tion. I have learned that addiction is the effect of my struggle with my emotions and not knowing how to handle them. The resentments, anger, anxiety, fears, and even happiness that I did not know how to manage expressed themselves in my experience with sexual addiction. I chose to medicate myself with various behaviors that I somehow thought were going to make me feel better about myself. And, of course, they did not. The shame, guilt and confusion only worsened and I repeated the destructive cycle of addiction over and over. It was my experiences with Randy and many more like him that finally allowed me to better understand myself.
I shall miss Randy. Just as I have missed him since that brief meeting after his last release from prison. He probably didn’t consider this when he was in the process of taking his own life, but he has reinforced my need and desire to work my recovery program even more. His act only magnified my need for recovery–the sanity, clarity and balance in my life that allow me to make the next right decision.
I will remember Randy as that quiet voice sharing his experiences in the meeting. That’s the Randy I know. I’m sorry it ended the way it did, but I hope that he has found the peace and serenity that evaded him while he was with us.
Tags: Obituaries